Reality Juggler

the bloodline.

Today was quite very hectic as I have to chase a project that we’ve been planning months ago. As usual, Nine West black pump shoes accompanied me juggling from Talavera Office Park to the central business district of Sudirman. I stopped at a coffee shop to catch a short breath when received a shocking news earlier from my dad. A short text message that said, Mas passed away just now. I was shocked. Mas was introduced to us in a blur way. We considered him as cousin, until later on, he’s true being came to shore. I have very little memory of him… we were also not that close. He was always trying to fit-in into our world as the bigger and older. There has always been issues and arguments ever since. Until couple of years back when he got a job in Jakarta, we started to communicate in a decent way. Though our basic remained the same, we were never in accordance when it comes to the man we knew.

Our live is also different. My side was on the bottom once. A flash of very young version of me was looking a way to be creative about what to eat. Cause sometimes, no food can be served. Although, gradually… we passed it. Meanwhile his side, I have no idea how many years and times that he had to be very creative about what to eat. I always know that there will always be rice and salt on the table even though uncertain, he would never know when rice and salt be served.

We lost our lines, until I found him again through Biggie, my ex-boyfriend. Long story short, Biggie’s family and mine has stories and histories. We are trying to build a relation that we were supposed to be in, with one condition: we are not bringing the past. Yet, the past haunted me.

I am.. very sorry for what I’ve said. I.. am very sorry that you are not known before, and known in a very wrong time. I’m very sorry that we, my sisters and I, didn’t give you his time. You were grown..without him. Most people would say, it was not our fault… but it felt right it was. I’m sorry that we never really get to know one another well like we were supposed to. I tried. I know, you’ve tried. I’m sorry for not giving more attention to you and your little family. But… thank you.. for your consistency to not letting the past come to our way. And thank you.. for letting me into your life. And even though only a short moment, I knew how it feels.. to have a brother.

Sleep well. I’ll try my best to keep your family.



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