Reality Juggler

Journal 43

Journal 43

Another girlfriend is married. I am very honored that they chose me as their host for the event (both ceremony and dinner reception). It was a beautiful wedding actually, and romantic. I can’t even remember when was the last time I attended a romantic wedding. Went to thousands of beautiful ones, but not romantic. I can feel the love and warmth from them. Only small groups of families, close friends and colleagues.

Before the wedding took place, we had lots of conversation about weddings and marriages. We both never been to one, yet talking about it. I came to the reality where her fiancé showed a lot love, and doubts about him needed to be faded. She came to the reality that there was this man truly in love with her unconditionally. Wedding made everything perfect.

I am enjoying every process of it.. hahaha.. mainly because being busy is the best feeling in the world. After the whole sad, tears of joy process is finished, it kind of hit me a bit. I am alone. I am surrounded with beautiful and handsome people, but none filled me and loose the ‘I am alone’ feeling. I shed a tear at the end of the wedding, it was tears of joy. But the ones that fell when I was having a glass of wine with cliff as my scenery, that was not joy. Stayed in a gorgeous villa, beautiful cliffs, mountains and rice field… yet I shed a tear. How ungrateful.

Lonely. Yes.. I am lonely.

Going back before the wedding, my girlfriend asked me to move on. Gaia will never fall for me. He will never appreciate and respect me. And I always defend him.. that he is not like that. He made me proud and inspired me to move forward in a way. Then she asked, have you done the same to him? If he feels that you are what he said, then he’d be exactly do what you are doing right now. But he’s not. Not even a bit.

I remembered once about his advice about being cozy with least meaningful person. I smiled thinking about it.. that’s me to him. She was right. I have to let him go. It is hard (trying since months ago..), especially when I want to share things. Perhaps afterwards, I won’t feel alone anymore.

At the last section of the wedding, instead of bouquet toss, my friend grabbed the mike and said that it was for me. Hahhahaa… everyone respected that. And on my last sip of wine, I promised my self to let him go. To let me go.

2016-12-22-08-08-19

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