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Journal 18…with no title

Journal 18

Just realized that I haven’t written again for quite sometimes. Excuse… busy. Lame, I know. But finally I have the chance to write as I am too lazy and tired to go out. So I decided to write with all of the thoughts that has been in my mind lately. Which means not just a story. I hope. Well… of course a scoop of ice cream and sprinkle of Baileys won’t be a sin. I’m a girl after all.

Third day of Ied Mubarak and something is different for this year festive. My mother would probably feel it more than I do. She just lost her sister, my aunt, last month. My aunt was her last living sibling. So this year is the first time she’s having Ied Mubarak without her siblings. ‘I have never felt alone in my entire life before’ she said after we had Ied prayer. That line taunted me. Somehow a flash image of me being alone without my sisters in the future came across. I wouldn’t know what to do except hugged my mother and told her that she still has her daughters. ‘I know. But it wouldn’t be the same. But nothing more greater and I am very grateful for my daughters that are with me right now’ she said again.

Having to admit that your weakness is a hard thing to do. Especially in front of those that you thought depending on you or, in a much more cynical words, those that you do not wish them to know that you have weakness and flaws. I admired my mother for saying those to me. For lowering her walls a little bit and open a little bit of window to me. I haven’t passed that class yet.. my ego still a thick cement to my walls. Certain people able to sprinkle muratic acid to it, but it will quickly hardened again once it’s needed to be.

I don’t know what kind of loneliness that she felt at that time. And would the presence of my sisters and myself would be at least heal her loneliness for a bit. I wouldn’t know. But she knows exactly that we’re always be here for her. Just like when we need her… she’ll always be there. Without questions. Without doubts.

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