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just dive-in..

Journal 16

One of the best things about my job at the moment is travelling. I get the chance to see another part of an area, other than cities and tourist sites. Which reminds me of my dad in a way. Because of him, I do like travelling, culture, history, and everything that’s related with human beings (aside from psychology though, don’t know why).

Not so long ago, I got the chance to come to an area in East Borneo (Kalimantan) called Berau. There was another area that I had to visit, but that’s not going to be part of my story. And Berau is one of the gateways to get into an island called Derawan. I’ve been wanting to go to Derawan and it was so near to where my business trip took place. It was quite some time until I asked my colleague to extend my ticket and all of a sudden I’m in a car going to Tanjung Batu port. And there it was.. a boat that will take me to Derawan Island. It took two and half hours from Berau to Derawan Island, both land and ocean drive. In the boat, I thought to myself: this is the first time after four years that I just jumped up and dived in without having a second thought or regrets. Quite dramatic, perhaps, for some people. But for me… everything must go as planned. Whenever I decide to dive in, it means I don’t really care about the outside world, just doing what I want to do.

Sunbathed, snorkeled, and I tried diving as well. I’ve never done any diving nor taken any lessons, but out of curiosity and dying to see what’s deeper than the surface, decided to just take the experience (of course I did it with a dive master). It was fun. I pushed my dive master to take me to other places, but since I’m a newbie he refused.

One afternoon, after travelling the islands, I was sitting in the restaurant’s cottage (which was right above the beach) and facing the turquoise ocean. How many times before had I been too afraid to dive. But now I decided to do it after all. Not just out of curiosity, but also because I was ready for the consequences and just let, no matter what would happen.

Before the island getaway, which of course I will do much more of in the future, I did one of the bravest dive-ins. I let things go in the matter of the heart. I broke my own rules. I crossed my own boundaries. Yes… I fell for a person. That is a ‘big no no’ in my list. But somehow, he swept me away… he did. I didn’t know since when, but all I know is that having conversations and arguments with him was the time that I enjoyed the most. Things I thought went pretty well until I told him my feelings and he ran away. For him I’m just very close, very valuable, without a thing called feelings or care.

Shocked, yes. Surprised, yes. Hurt, of course. Because I thought he felt the same, but I took hurt as one of the consequences of having fallen head over feet about a person. I was (am until now in fact) so dramatic about all the things. Well.. he does limited talking and refuses to talk or communicate with me like we used to. I tried to communicate, but now he seems not keen on doing it with me. In a way, I’m feeling like one of those girls being left like trash (forgive my silly sentence, it could go much harsher actually;). He made me feel very low.

But another part of me also felt relieved to have taken that dive. I didn’t worry about anyone else except me. I let everything just hang loose. I didn’t think. I followed my heart. It was fun. It was amazing. It was non-stress even though the arguments were incredibly exhausting. For another island getaway, of course there will be many more. Because it’s the only thing that won’t hurt or disappoint me. But as for letting matters of heart flow like that, I will probably reconsider. For my rules and boundaries are the keeper of my heart.

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