being big

Journal 12

They said there’s nothing to do with age when it comes to being big. If then you have to choose to be big or just stay where you are, which will it be? I always believe that there’s a catch in every options. Most of times, I choose to be big. But most of that times as well, regrets devour in me. In my defense, I’m a just a human being. Even if I choose to stay where I were, regrets would knock as well. My regret would be the endless questions and thoughts of assumption about if I choose the other option.

When something does not go as planned, those feelings of disappointment, upset, (in my case) lost a battle are the ingredients to create things in my own head. Theoritically, this goes to every religion-psychology books-every self healing magazines, we have to be a bigger person at every time. Meanwhile it’s a twisted option when you are faced with to go big or stay put. Because most of the first option that we choose, somehow lead us to the second just before we know it. Is it because we’re not being true to ourselves or we just don’t want to admit that basically we like the second option better. Either way, regret will be the spice of the change of heart.
As I’m living and breathing (for more than 3decades), being big is not always about emotions and feelings. You have to be big even in doubt and sickness. Probably there’s a thin line as well with patience. Afterall, patience comes from being big. I don’t know whose the bigger person between me and my sister’s, but I’m not always be one. Sometimes they are. Gaia told me once about the argument with his sister. I don’t know whose the bigger person between them, but someone must be (hoping that would be him). How about friends? I don’t know whom always be the bigger person between my friends and me, there were a lot of times where we needed space and time. But then, we realized that our ups and downs were beyond words to be replaced just like that. We choose to be the bigger person.

How about with-in ourselves? Being the bigger person when the opposite is yourself. Not an easy battle. But once you became big, you’d be bigger and when you choose to stay, the chance of becoming small and tiny somehow evolve. I’ve been big and tiny against myself. Don’t really keep score, but as wrote before, change of heart was there. In the end, I’ve learnt or burried things.


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